At an Italian restaurant

(Puts his glasses on the back of his head)
“This salad is off the hook!”

I can’t eat bananas… They give me the potassiumz

"When am I gonna get my popcorn from that fat kid?"

Mother effin’ uffers!
  • Commercial: the crack of dawn
  • Dad: Crack.
  • Me: Dad.
  • Dad: What? You're the one who's obsessed with crack!
  • Me: Dad.
  • Dad: Jokes.
  • Me: Dad.
  • Dad: *siiigh* I suck.

(Holds a dollar up to the screen of the ATM) “match this, please.”

"Cubism, y’all! Ya heard of it!?"

(Swatting away a persistent bee)
“Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a B?”

  • Me: listen to this rap I wrote
  • Dad: wait let me go to the bathroom instead.
Somebody order a snitch attack?
(via alisonbcowles)
My Dad is full of charming anecdotes and I want to share them with the world.
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