"I like the nutty notes of the nuts. And I find the noodles to be playful."
-Review of Panera’s Asian Chicken Salad

"When a girl walks in with an itty bitty face"

"When a girl walks in with an itty bitty face"

"Justin Timberlake is the only funk I know"

"Harry Styles is what I call my butt"

At an Italian restaurant

(Puts his glasses on the back of his head)
“This salad is off the hook!”

I can’t eat bananas… They give me the potassiumz

"When am I gonna get my popcorn from that fat kid?"

Mother effin’ uffers!
  • Commercial: ...at the crack of dawn
  • Dad: Crack.
  • Me: Dad.
  • Dad: What? You're the one who's obsessed with crack!
  • Me: Dad.
  • Dad: Jokes.
  • Me: Dad.
  • Dad: *siiigh* I suck.

(Holds a dollar up to the screen of the ATM) “match this, please.”

My Dad is full of charming anecdotes and I want to share them with the world.
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